Yeah, I'll tell you something.

Sam carried his brother’s body outside, amazed that it was still sunny and warm. Without Dean it should be cold and raining. Unable to stand the sight of it anymore, Sam pulled the knife out of Dean’s back. Nothing happened. Dean didn’t yell, or tell him not to do that, or call him a bitch, or anything at all. Just lied there in Sam’s arms. Dead.

___

Inside the church Castiel dropped to his knees with the combined weight of his sadness and pain. Uriel smirked, and Cas felt the urge to flip him off, because that’s what Dean would’ve done.

“Nice to see you’ve learned your place in the world.” Uriel said, as though Cas was bowing for him.

“What do you want?” Castiel asked, not in the mood to play games.

“You should be nicer to me, I’ve come to make a trade.” Cas felt a flicker of hope.

“A trade? For what?” Uriel grinned, and Castiel’s stomach sank.

“Your little meat bag, Dean Winchester.”

“Please…” Castiel said, “Bring him back.”

“Don’t you even want to know what I want for him?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Castiel said, honestly. Uriel grinned again.

“Why don’t you guess.” So this was another game. Castiel sighed.

“You want to smite me.” Uriel made a ‘keep going’ motion by nodding his head. “You want to destroy my body and burn my soul into oblivion, so I’m in neither heaven or hell, but nonexistent.

“Not quite, but I do love to hear you say it.” Uriel said, the smugness back in his voice.

“You’re sending me to hell?” Castiel asked, confused. Angels didn’t get sent to hell. They knew too much.

“Try a little farther north.” Uriel said, holding up a small blue vial on a silver chain.

Castiel’s grace.

“No…” Uriel cocked an eyebrow at him.

“What was that? Did I find a price too high for even you to pay?” Castiel closed his eyes, weary. Being an angel was a horrible, emotionless experience, but he would do worse to see Dean alive and healthy again.

“I’ll do it.” He said, opening his eyes and treating Uriel to a direct stare.

“Just one more thing though.” Uriel said, a malicious glint in his eye. “If I do bring him back to life, I’ll have to make sure this doesn’t happen again. We don’t want anymore fallen angels, and all of them seem to have been with Dean Winchester at some point…”

“What are you getting at?” Castiel asked, afraid he already knew.

“After you become an angel, you can never again make contact with Dean.” The implications spun through Castiel’s mind. Never talk to Dean, or let Dean see him, or touch him in any way for the rest of his immortal life. The worst fate he could possibly imagine.

“I’ll do it.”

___

The doors of the church burst open, and Uriel stepped out.

“I’d walk away now, if I were you.” He said, Sam looked around behind him, until he spotted Castiel.

“Cas…”

“Run, Sam.” Castiel said. “Go back to the car, then get very far away from here.”

“What about you?” Sam asked.

“I’ll be fine.” He looked down, “and tell Dean I’m sorry.” Sam knew immediately what he meant, and almost told him not to. Almost. He needed his big brother back.

“Cas…I-” He started.

“GO!” Castiel said, looking worriedly up at the sky. Sam didn’t need any further instructions. He picked Dean up and ran back to the car, hearing the doors of the church slam behind him. The sky, wich had been clear all day, clouded over. Fast. Sam felt like he was running in a nightmare, weighed down by his brother’s body. He reached the car and threw Dean in the back seat, climbing into the front.

The car started, and Sam risked one last glance over to the church. A stormy cloudbank hovered over the steeple. Sam was momentarily blinded by a flash of lightning. When his vision came back, the church was in flames.

Dean drew in a gasping breath.

“Sammy? Why are you driving?” Sam turned around.

“Dean! You’re okay!” Sam said, reverting to his five year old self.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay, and where’s Cas?” Dean said, wading through the confusion of being recently deceased. Sam didn’t answer the last part, but looked meaningfully at the burning church. Dean followed his gaze. “Is he still in there?” Dean tried to pull himself out of the car, but Sam grabbed him by the waist.

“Let go of me, Sam! We have to save him!” He said, struggling to get out.

“No we don’t.” Sam said. Dean stopped struggling.

“Is he…” Dean trailed off, unable to say the word.

“Yeah.” Dean fell back onto the seat of the car, speechless. Sam put the car in gear and drove away. Dean clutched at his arm, like it pained him. It took Sam a minute but he realized what Dean was doing. He was lining his hand up with the mark Cas left on him.

Epilogue---

Dean and Sam sat in a hospital room in South Dakota. Bobby had two broken ribs, a fractured wrist and a minor concussion, but still somehow was more worried about Dean then himself.

“I’m fine,” Dean told Bobby for the fifth time in half an hour. He would’ve been almost convincing, except for the slightly emotionless tone his voice had taken on. Bobby looked at Sam, who discreetly shrugged.

“Okay, I believe you! Go get me something from the vending machine, will ya?” Dean nodded and headed out the door, leaving Sam and Bobby alone to talk about him.

“How’s he really doin’?” Bobby asked.

“Not great.” Sam replied. There wasn’t much else to be said. They both knew that when he finally broke down and cried, he’d go back to normal-ish. Until then all they could do was wait until then, and hope to be at least a little supportive when the time came.

___

Dean walked back down towards Bobby’s room with his vending-machine chips, going slow to give them enough time to finish their conversation. He knew the hallway was empty behind him, but he still heard that extra little footfall that wasn’t his, but wasn’t quite an echo. He could almost imagine a grumpy angel walking right behind him.

Dean stopped, and heard a soft step, that only a hunter would notice.

He might be going crazy. But he might not be.

“That you, Cas?” Dean asked the thin air. Nothing answered him, but he thought he heard a voice.

“I’m here.”

Castiel tried desperately to remember how to breathe. This was possibly the worst, and best, emotion he had experienced in the hours that he had been human. He wasn’t quite sure what it was at this point, but it only happened around Dean. Like just now. Getting himself together, Cas left the car, and followed Dean into the motel room. Sam was unpacking Castiel’s new clothes. Dean sat on his bed and stared into space.

“Hey Cas,” Sam said, ignoring the awkwardness between the other two men.

“Why do I need new clothes?” Castiel asked.

“Well, you can’t keep wearing the same ones all the time, and you can’t keep wearing our clothes.” Sam explained.

“Why not? I like your clothes. They smell like you.” Sam fell silent, and Dean looked over at him, one eyebrow raised. “Should I not have said that?”

“Uh…yeah.” Dean said. “Lets just pretend that never happened.” Castiel, blushing again, nodded.

“Cas, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Sam said, changing the subject. “When Anna fell, she was born into a new body. So, how come you’re still in this one?” Castiel felt oddly like his stomach was twisting up inside. He sat down on Sam‘s bed, farther from Dean than he normally would.

“When I took this form, the other soul was…pushed out.”

“Pushed out?” Dean asked.

“I am-was an angel and my soul was much bigger than a human’s. There wasn’t enough room for both of us in this body, so my vessel’s soul was removed.” Dean frowned, Sam looked confused, and a little worried.

“Right, because you needed a body, some poor bastard got sent to hell?” Dean stared at him and Cas felt his intestines double up on themselves.

“No he didn’t go to hell!” Cas yelled. If they would just stop looking at him like that, he would stop hurting so much!

“Dean…” Sam said, sensing something wrong.

“Where did he go then? Did he just disappear?” Castiel clutched at his stomach, doubled over in pain. He let out a strangled noise, trying to relive the pressure.

“Are you okay?” Sam asked rushing over to him.

“Please stop.” Castiel said quietly, not sure who he was talking to; Dean, himself, or god. Dean stood and came over to him, the argument forgotten.

“Calm down Cas.” Sam said soothingly. “Breathe.” Castiel took a deep breath, and fell forward into Dean’s arms. Dean held him there, too scared to let him go.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel said, surprised and not surprised that tears were running down his cheeks.

“It’s okay.” Dean said. Immediately the pain lessened. After another few terrifying minutes, Dean let go of Castiel, who sat on the floor.

“What the hell was that?” Dean asked.

“I have no idea.” Cas said, not really caring as long as it didn’t happen again.

“I think,” Sam said. “That was guilt.” Dean cocked an eyebrow at him. Guilt? “Yeah, Cas what did it feel like?”

“Like my stomach was tying itself in knots.”

“That sounds like guilt to me.” Dean shook his head.

“Sam, when’s the last time you ever saw someone nearly pass out because they felt guilty?” Sam got that look on his face when he knew he was right.

“I haven’t, but Cas has never felt anything like that before, so of course it would effect him worse then someone who felt it all the time.” Dean, finding no flaw in his logic, muttered something under his breath and helped Castiel get back onto the bed. He half lifted him onto the thin motel bed, feeling oddly protective. Sam walked outside.

“He didn’t go to hell.” Cas said, wanting Dean to believe him. Dean said nothing. “He went to heaven. Please don’t hate me.” Dean sighed.

“I don’t hate you.” He said. “Now get some sleep.” Castiel, exhausted from his episode, was happy to comply.

___

Dean walked outside, passing a hand over his mouth unconsciously. He walked over to Sam, who was on his cell phone.

“Yes, a real live human, and he just had a panic attack.” He said, Dean guessed that he was talking to Bobby. “We could use your help.” Sam paused, and some of the tension left his face. “Yeah, right outside of Phoenix. Thanks Bobby.” Sam hung up and replaced the phone in his pocket.

“Bobby comin’ out?” Dean asked, even though he knew the answer.

“Yeah, he’ll be here by tomorrow.” The brothers stared off for a second, not looking at each other, and definitely not looking at the motel. “This feels pretty damn permanent.” Sam finally said.

“Yeah, it does.” Dean replied.

___

“Having fun with your human emotions?” Uriel asked sleeping Castiel. Cas started for a second, but regained slight control over himself.

“I’m dreaming.” He said, staring the angel down.

“Yes, sadly enough you are.” Uriel said. “I can’t visit you in person just yet, but that day is swiftly approaching.”

“You can not hurt me here. You’re in my mind.” Uriel chuckled. Both of them knew that wasn’t true.

“Castiel, how many people have been driven insane during dreams of us? Better yet, how many people have you tormented in dreams?” Castiel refused to answer, but still made Uriel’s point.

“Leave.” Cas said.

“You’re not my superior any more.” Uriel said, an insane glint in his eye. Castiel gulped, his human body yet again betraying his fear. Uriel chuckled again, a sinister sound.

___

Sam left on a food run, so they would be stocked up on beer and pizza when Bobby got there. Dean walked back inside, more than just glancing at sleeping Castiel. The fallen angel was having nightmares again, twitching in his sleep, his eyes rocketing back and forth under his lids. Dean put his face in his hands, wondering what he was going to do.

“Dean…” The older Winchester looked up when Cas muttered his name. Castiel was having a nightmare about him? Dean wasn’t surprised, after all the yelling he had been doing. Pushing a soul out of their body was the worst thing Dean could imagine. He would’ve felt disgusted, hell, he did feel disgusted by it, until he remembered that it was Castiel. He sighed again, this was all getting too complicated. Dean’s ‘love them no matter what’ response only applied to Sam. He thought.

When Cas asked if he hated him, Dean felt horrible that the ex angel could even consider that, not that Dean gave him any reason not to.

“Dean…leave Dean alone…” Castiel said again. Dean heard, and felt mixed relief and sadness, for reasons he couldn’t quite understand. Knowing somehow that he shouldn’t wake him up, Dean still walked over to Castiel. He rested his hand in the fallen angel’s hair, then touched his cheek.

“I‘m still here.” Dean whispered, hoping that Cas could hear him in the dream.

___

“Leave me.” Castiel said, feeling a rush of his old strength. No, not his angelic strength, but something just as strong and sure. Uriel felt it too.

“You think you can get rid of me that easily?” He asked, not showing any fear.

“GO!” Cas said, at the same time channeling that new power into expelling Uriel from his mind. The angel withstood it for a second, but then crumbled in a flash of light. Castiel, drained and happy for defending himself, fell into a real sleep, not touched by angels or demons.

Dean was woken up by a knock on the door. He glanced over at the other motel bed, Sam was in the room, and his sleep-fuzzy brain was telling him that Bobby was on the other side of the country. So who the hell was knocking? Dean walked over to the door, not hurrying despite the rainstorm outside.

“Cas?” He asked the angel, who was standing outside in the rain. “When did you learn how to knock?” Something was off about Castiel. Instead of staring Dean in the eye like usual, he was staring at his own hands, flexing them back and forth. Dean stared as the normally smooth angel looked slowly up at him in wonder.

“Dean.” He said, with little of the normal intensity in his voice.

“Whozzat?” Sammy asked, waking up as the cold air blew into the room.

“Castiel. Are you okay?” Dean said, both to Sam and the angel. Castiel walked into the room, seemingly in shock. Sam closed the door behind him. In the relative dryness of the room, Dean realized that Castiel was wet. Dripping wet. Even though Dean had never seen so much as a speck on his immaculate clothes.

“I’m cold.“ Cas said. Sam headed to the bathroom and came back with a towel, Dean took it and threw it over Castiel’s shoulders. The angel didn’t even seem to notice, instead he repeated. “I’m cold.”

“That’s generally what happens when you stand around in the rain.” Dean replied, beginning to worry about Cas’ sanity.

“I’ve never been cold before.” Cas said. It hit them then. Sam gasped and Dean’s mouth dropped open as they realized what had happened.

“You… you fell?” Sam asked. Castiel, who was staring at his hands again, nodded distractedly. Cas was human. Dean, with nothing to possibly say to that, let his older brother instincts, the ones that had gone dormant around the time Sammy learned to tie his shoes, take over for him. He stepped forward and grabbed the towel from around the ex-angel’s shoulders and began to dry off his hair.

As soon as Dean’s hands touched him, Castiel stiffened and he gasped, almost like being too close to Dean was causing him pain. Dean dropped the towel and backed away from him.

“What?!” He yelled.

“That was…unexpected.” Castiel said. He bent down and picked up the towel, drying his own face.

“Why did you fall?” Sam asked.

“Iofiel. Anna. She made me think about…being human. And all the things I was missing out on.” He looked off, like he was remembering one specific accident. “So I just…did it.”

“You just, did it?” Dean asked incredulously.

“Yes.” Castiel said, a hint of hysterics in his voice and a slight grin on his face. Then, much to his surprise, Cas sneezed.

“Dude,” Sam said, ”I know that this is your first time being human and all, but if you don’t get out of those wet clothes, you’re gonna catch a cold.” It took Castiel a second, but then he slipped his trench coat off his shoulders. Neither of the brothers moved to help him, remembering the way he reacted when Dean touched his hair. He loosened his tie, and started to pull off his shirt.

“Whoa!” Dean said, stopping him. “Don’t strip out here. Go in the bathroom.” Castiel had to pause and process this, yet again, but when he got the message he did something else he had never done before. He blushed. Cas shuffled off to the bathroom, leaving his soaking coat on the floor.

“He’s closer to your size.” Sam said, looking at Dean pointedly. Dean grumbled something under his breath and went off for some dry clothes for the fallen angel to wear. He came up with an old t-shirt and sweatpants. He thought about underwear, but that was a little too weird, so he skipped it. Dean carried the clothes to the bathroom and opened the door just wide enough to slip the clothes in.

“Dean?” Castiel said weakly, his voice muffled by the closing door.

“What?” Dean asked.

“I need help.” Castiel said, sounding like he didn’t want to admit it. Dean sighed and walked into the bathroom, trying to remind himself that Castiel had probably never gotten dressed before. The older Winchester walked into what might have been a clothing massacre. Castiel had managed to get his shirt off, after removing a few buttons, but the pants were in shreds. The only whole pieces of clothing were the tie, still in a loop, and the boxers that Cas was still wearing. Dean was wondering how his pants had split up the legs like that, but then noticed that Cas still had his shoes on. Shaking his head, he motioned for Castiel to sit on the edge of the bathtub. The ex-angel sat, Dean knelt down in front of him, and began wrestling with the laces of his shoes, which the rainwater had congealed into a large tangled mess. Once he finally got the clinging shoes off, he stood up and prepared to help with the t-shirt, and his mouth went dry as he finally looked at Castiel.

Dean’s eyes traveled, almost against his will, up Castiel’s long legs and across his bare chest. The fallen angel stared back at him, starting to blush again. Dean tore his eyes away, swallowing, trying to get back to normal. It didn’t work.

“Is something wrong?” Cas said, his eyes more innocent then those of a five year old, making Dean feel like even more of a creep for checking him out.

“No. Fine.” Dean shut his eyes and handed Castiel the t-shirt. Cas considered it for a moment, then attempted to pull it over his head, leaving him in a tangled mess and Dean trying not to stare at him. “Here.” Dean said, grabbing the edges of the shirt and pulling it down over his head, trying not to notice when his fingers trailed over Castiel’s bare skin. Instead of stiffening, Castiel held still for Dean, letting him untangle the piece of clothing. Saying nothing, and not even looking at him, avoiding any chance to stare, and grabbed the soft, worn-in sweatpants. Castiel stuck his feet out in silent cooperation and Dean slipped the sweats over them. Castiel stood and pulled them up, nearly tripping himself by standing on the hems.

“How’s that human coordination goin’ for ya?” Dean asked, sniggering a bit.

“I’ll get used to it.” Castiel said, trying for his usual emotionless grace, but falling short. Dean smirked and clapped the other man on the back, trying to put all the earlier weirdness behind them. Castiel seemed all for it, and walked out of the bathroom first, with Dean right behind him. Sam, wisely, didn’t comment. Castiel put a hand to his mouth to cover a yawn.

“I’m tired.” He said, more to himself then anyone else. Sam and Dean glanced at each other, Sam holding up a fist in the rock-paper-scissors position.

“No way,” Dean said, regarding Sam’s hand. “You cheat.” Dean pulled a coin out of his pocket, flipped it, and caught it one handed.

“Tails.” Sam said, rolling his eyes at the idea of cheating at rock-paper-scissors. Dean peeked at the coin in his hand, scowling when he saw it in the heads up position. Sam grinned at him.

“Cas,” Dean said, to the angel, who’d been trying to figure out what the brothers were doing. “You can take my bed.” Castiel looked like he was going to comment, but he yawned again and laid down with no complaint. The ex-angel was out like a light.

Dean watched him for a few minutes, aware that Sammy was doing the same.

“He’s human.” Sam said. Dean nodded, his brother seeing out of the corner of his eye. “What now?”

“I don’t know.”